Discipline and the Two R's

A while back my dh was out with two of our boys in town. A young man who was also a young father observed them as they shopped. Intrigued by the relationship and the obedience he saw, he approached my dh and asked, “Excuse me, but I am impressed by your children. How do you get them to do what you ask like that?” My dh was ready with a reply, “It is simple, rules and relationship. They are like two arms holding up my child. Without one or the other the child will fall.”

In our home we have what some may consider narrow limits on what we would consider acceptable behavior, but we expect a lot because on the flip side of our high expectations we are pouring in huge amounts of intentional tying of strings towards a solid relationship. With the two things in place it works like a charm towards developing discipline and godly behavior. Let me give you an example from our everyday life to illustrate this:

Every morning the boys have a list of chores they MUST complete before breakfast. It is written on a chart and posted at their eye level just outside the kitchen.

With the chores we are aiming at developing a good work habit. The habit is this:

• Do your work before you sit down to play or enjoy yourself.

• Do your work first thing in the day.

• Do your work without being asked or nagged.

• Do your work cheerfully.

• Do your work thoroughly and the how you were asked to do it.

• Do a little more than what was asked. (look for ways to bless others in your work)

"There are few parents who would not labour diligently if for every month's labour they were able to endow one of their children with a large sum of money. But, in a month, a parent may begin to form a habit in his child of such value that money is a bagatelle by comparison." Charlotte Mason Vol. 2 Pg 73

So, breakfast is set to be served at 8:00 o’clock. They are well aware of this. I wake them up with music at 7:00 o’clock if they are not already up. That allows them plenty of time to get their work done with play time if they finish early. (The natural reward of work well done is free time.) My job is not to remind them of the chore chart, not to be glaring at them during that hour but to be cheerful, greeting them with hugs and appreciation at having them in my day. In this I am welcoming them into a relationship of joy and a positive atmosphere however they may have woken up, it sets the tone and draws them into it. I also look for ways to help in their work not by doing it for them but by showing appreciation for their efforts. I am also working along side them getting breakfast cooked and ready. We are than all practicing a good work habit. We all are under the same rules, and as I am doing this, I am tying strings towards a relationship.

Once they have completed the chore they ask to be inspected. We spent a good month or so when we began this chore chart to explain each chore, walk through it with them and show them what is expected. We did this until we were sure they understood. Then when they ask to be inspected we can really inspect, and they have been learning to check themselves because if it is not in order then… the consequence.

If they did not do the chore (usually because they got to playing before it was done), or did not do it thoroughly, or it was done with a whine or worse and rebellious tone in their attitude then they are given only a healthy piece of bread for breakfast and a glass of water. This will remind them that their work was not done up to standard, and it will give them enough sustenance that they can get through school without being under nourished. We give them the consequence without pitiful looks or any commentary on their response. It is a dry, judicial moment when we keep our smiles and encourage then back into the regular banter around the table.

It takes a few mishaps and a few cries before they really get it if I am consistent, but soon their tears dry up and they are more motivated the next day to place upon themselves the responsibility to get the work done. It goes up and down because habits are sometimes long in coming. We aim for 100% knowing Christ in us gives us the way to get there and expect Him to come through on our down days.

At this point in the discipline process it is important to remain steady and cheerful expecting the best. Giving in to the tears and whines only prolongs the habit building and the habit you were aiming at takes longer to develop. The tender hearted or inconsistent parent causes more pain in the long run if she does not stick to the plan and allow the child to learn the habit. I am by nature tender hearted and inconsistent so I am fully aware of need to call on Jesus for help, so I am learning along with them a different discipline. My consequence would be that the work of discipline goes on longer each time I give in.

The habit is our focus, the discipline the way we get there and if perchance they rebel at the discipline or training, there is punishment. Along the way at every opportunity we look for ways to delight our child, know our child and seek ways to tie strings of relationship. Having the rule and the relationship upholds them and puts them on rails towards success in life.

Impatience, the uprooter of seeds well planted

We read a story a while back from our Frog and Toad books. Toad wanted to plant a garden like Frog's so Frog gave him some seeds and Toad took them home and planted them, but they did nothing. So, he did all sorts of things to get the plants to grow. He sang to them, He stayed up all night with them thinking they were lonely, He shout at them to grow, and on it went. Frog came by a few days later to see how Toad's garden was coming along and he laughed at all the efforts Toad was making to get the seeds to grow. He then told Toad the secret of growing, you must water them, let them have sun and WAIT. I often forget to wait and in my impatience I often uproot the very seeds I have been trying to plant.

This last week was our second week back at school and as is normal we have lost some progress in the habits we were forming last year. We aim for three habits recommended by Charlotte Mason for young students: The habit of attention, the habit of perfect execution and the habit of obedience. So it is to be expected that it will be awkward and maybe painful as we try to reestablish them again after a month of not doing them. So I planted the seeds of reminders, made a careful plan to reestablish them and then set about working to see my little garden grow. But I am an adult and I forgot kids are not. I had the right seeds, put the right plan in place, but I got impatient, Like Toad I wondered why I did not see results sooner. I was irritated and fretful. In my impatience I began to uproot the seeds of the habits I was so careful to plan for. I forgot to wait, to be kind, to be supportive, to expect success. I forgot to allow time for the seed to soften and to absorb the water and the nutrients and then when it was ready, it will sprout. I must be patient. I must continue on like the farmer caring for the seeds deep in the ground doing faithfully my work and soon I will see that they have after all received the water I have been applying, and they have been getting nourished by the soil I placed around them. They will grow. They will learn.

In the meantime the sun is shining and I am enjoying the well tilled earth and the rich dark soil knowing in a few months there will be a harvest…if I am patient.

Habit of Kindness

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless."

-MotherTeresa

Building habits into our life has been an ongoing....well, habit since I first read about Charlotte Mason's ideas about this a few years ago in the Home Education Series. I was intrigued by the power of habits. Charlotte shared that she also had an epiphany regarding habits when she was a young teacher and upon hearing a Preacher speak about it. He said Habits are 10 times stronger than nature.(your given disposition). Charlotte said a light bulb turned on for she had been teaching children for a while and had noticed that the lazy student may learn more facts but still remained lazy. The tardy student may learn more facts but still remained tardy. These facts learned were not addressing the overall success of the student for the bad habits of laziness or tardiness etc kept the student from really reaching his or her potetial. Once Charlotte began to set into place new habits of a good student she saw amazing results. She saw that building habits of attention, obedience, truthfulness and many more brought about the success in the children she had dreamed could be possible. I was thrilled to learn this!

Digging through her home education series is a wonderful experience. There is a great new set of ideas regarding education, encouragement in the doing of it, and helpful advice to teachers tucked in there. However, I was feeling a bit daunted by the sheer organizational task of collecting all she had said and getting it into a form I could use daily when I had three little ones to mind at home. Then, Phew! Someone has come to the rescue.. Sonya Shafer the author of the website Simply Charlotte Mason, found the time to create a manual that extracted all of Charlotte's thoughts on the subject of habits and organized it in a beautifully done book called Laying Down the Rails. She has added inspiring quotes from others, provided great probing questions to use to check yourself to see if you are on the road to building a good habit, and it is orgainzed in such a way there is ample room in the side margins for personal notes. I have been keeping by my bed and I read portions at a time refreshing my mind of the truth there in and being inpsired to keep on going. On my side bar there is a FREE short version of the same thing called Smooth and Easy Days.

For the last year I have address the habits of orderilness, obedience, attention, perfect execution and currently I an looking at the habit of Kindness. Below are some practical ways to build a habit of kindness in your children and yourself! They are from Laying Down the Rails pg 25-27

Cultivating a habit of Kindness

1. Encourage your child to think the best of other people. (Vol 4, book 1 pp101,102)

2. Teach your child not to asume that others will laugh at him for being kind.(Vol 4, book1 p 102)

3. Encourage your child to defend another's chararcter, even in that person's absence.(Vol 5 , p 208)

4. Help siblings respond kindly to each other, even when faced with a brother's bad temper or persaonal injury. (Vol 5, p 208)

5. Motivate your child with the idea that he might hold the happiness of others in his hands.(Vol 5, p 208)

6. Be careful what messages your child recieves from outside influences that would encourage selfishness. (Vol 5, p 208)

"His habits of kind and friendly behavior will by degrees, develope into principles of action; until at last his character is established and he comes to be known as a just and virtuous man." -Charlotte Mason

Their Potential is Worth It!

This morning the boys found my bag of extra plastic bags I keep on the door knob in the kitchen. Max had an old sock with him and the twins were hunting around for something like it. They had some idea in mind and I was grinning and waiting to see what it was. Soon I overheard Max asking my husband to tie the sock onto the handles of the plastic bag. Then it was soon clear....they were making parachutes!! They played with them for hours outside.

It reminded me of the article I read recently at simple kids by Joshua Becker. He did a wonderful job listing the benefits of providing your kids with LESS toys. I can hear you gasping... "what less toys!"....but take a look at this list of benefits your kids will recieve.

1. kids learn to be more creative. too many toys prevent kids from fully developing their gift of imagination. two german public health workers (strick and schuster) conducted an experiment in which they convinced a kindergarten classroom to remove all of their toys for three months. although boredom set in during the initial stages of the experiment, the children soon began to use their basic surroundings to invent games and use imagination in their playing.

2. kids develop longer attention spans. when too many toys are introduced into a child’s life, their attention span will begin to suffer. a child will rarely learn to fully appreciate the toy in front of them when there are countless options still remaining on the shelf behind them.
3. kids establish better social skills. children with fewer toys learn how to develop interpersonal relationships with other kids and adults. they learn the give and take of a good conversation. and studies have attributed childhood friendships to a greater chance of success academically and in social situations during adulthood.
4. kids learn to take greater care of things. when kids have too many toys, they will naturally take less care of them. they will not learn to value them if there is always a replacement ready at hand. if you have a child who is constantly damaging their toys, just take a bunch away. he will quickly learn.
5. kids develop a greater love for reading, writing, and art. fewer toys allows your children to love books, music, coloring, and painting. and a love for art will help them better appreciate beauty, emotion, and communication in their world.
6. kids become more resourceful. in education, students aren’t just given the answer to a problem; they are given the tools to find the answer. in entertainment and play, the same principle can be applied. fewer toys causes children to become resourceful by solving problems with only the materials at hand. and resourcefulness is a gift with unlimited potential.
7. kids argue with each other less. this may seem counter-intuitive. many parents believe that more toys will result in less fighting because there are more options available. however, the opposite is true far too often. siblings argue about toys. and every time we introduce a new toy into the relationship, we give them another reason to establish their “territory” among the others. on the other hand, siblings with fewer toys are forced to share, collaborate, and work together.
8. kids learn perseverance. children who have too many toys give up too quickly. if they have a toy that they can’t figure out, it will quickly be discarded for the sake of a different, easier one. kids with fewer toys learn perseverance, patience, and determination.
9. kids become less selfish. kids who get everything they want believe they can have everything they want. this attitude will quickly lead to an unhealthy (and unbecoming) lifestyle.
10. kids experience more of nature. children who do not have a basement full of toys are more apt to play outside and develop a deep appreciation for nature. they are also more likely to be involved in physical exercise which results in healthier and happier bodies.
11. kids learn to find satisfaction outside of the toy store. true joy and contentment will never be found in the aisles of a toy store. kids who have been raised to think the answer to their desires can be bought with money have believed the same lie as their parents. instead, children need encouragement to live counter-cultural lives finding joy in things that truly last.
12. kids live in a cleaner, tidier home. if you have children, you know that toy clutter can quickly take over an entire home. fewer toys results in a less-cluttered, cleaner, healthier home.

We have been doing this since we had kids and the benefits are all reality. One more benefit to add is that when given gifts by others, our boys are very grateful and it really pleases the one who gave a gift to them. This makes mom and dad very proud :) We also have been known to take the toys the boys have, sort them and put half of them away for a future date. Then we pull out toys we put away from before and it keeps the selection fresh and inspires new creativity and imagination. My brillant husband keeps all the broken toys...these as he suspected are the favorites.
I am a gift giver. I will spend oodles of time and effort making or looking for just the right thing, adding a card to go along or flowers to make it special.I can often be quite elaborate. AND..... I love toys. There are so many really fun and educational toys out there. So it was very natural for me to want to show my kids how much I loved them (lots!) by getting them the best toys! My husband though being wiser and wired a bit differently helped me to see that love can be shown in allot of ways other than buying lots of cool toys. He set a good habit in our house from the beginning tolive with less and I have stuck to it. When the boys were babies, crawling and toddling around we provided old conatiners of every shape and size. Ones with screw tops, squeeze bottles, small, large, ones that fit inside each other. We provied old boxes, bottle caps of different colors, all sorts of junk and stuff, but clean and safe junk. The boys had a ball!

Now that they are older we still have kept to the intential idea of providing them with less. One bike, three boys...they learn how to set up a rota and take turns. It is fun to see them work out how to solve the problem. You must be ready though for some fighting and arguing, some attempts to steal and lie. But this is all real life lessons. We love that they have the oppertunity to work out these things, learn the skills to manage it and in a safe and loving environment.

Cheerfulness and Joy

"There are three things that you need to be successful in parenting…Cheerfulness, authoritative commands, and consistency."

The majority of the success however lies in cheerfulness. You may have heard it said that a smile is half-way to happiness….cheerfulness is over half way to getting on well you’re your kids.

 
“Everyone is attracted to Joy. Children will do anything for the one who enjoys them.”

I am not at all the ideal mother. I lose patience with my kids and say things in anger sometimes……… but one thing strengthens my heart like none other and that is when I know God is pleased with me (because of Jesus blood that covers ALL my sin) and I am enjoyed for who I am. Even when I am messy. This love and acceptence is my strength.
"The Joy of the Lord is my strength," could be re-phrased....His joy when he looks at me, gives me strength. After I have recieved this acceptence, I am able to give it to my kids. I can look at them with joy, not with judgement or disapproval. They then have the strength to fail, to try, to be themselves. All of this because we are free from our sin and accepted by God. Because He has a purpose for our lives and a hope for eternity. Because He enjoys us!

“But know that cheerfulness will cover a multitude of deficiencies.”

“I say again, there is one indispensable quality you must possess—cheerfulness. It is the easiest thing to come by and does not require maturity or wisdom. The Bible word is “joy”. It takes a lifetime to become a library of wisdom, but God can make you completely joyful in an instant. Joy/cheerfulness is the byproduct of thankfulness and love.”

“Training without joy is tyranny.”

All quotes were extracted from this article.

Treasure Them

"The best child training method I know is a heart that overflows with a consuming desire to give children pleasure. Our training can’t stop there, but neither can it begin anywhere else. It must be part of the image of God within us―that desire to bring pleasure to children, to make their lives fascinating and full of joy.” Says Michael Pearl.

“They are so easy to delight.”

“Go to the zoo, a playground, out to eat his favorite junk food, wherever, just as long as he is having fun and sees you enjoying him having fun. Smile into his soul until you see something that makes you smile without effort. Talk with him. Let him know that he is special to you.”
“Spend some time worshiping God and giving thanks. When God has your heart and you know you are loved and forgiven, you will be able with joy to pass that love and forgiveness on to your children.”
“kids who know they are treasured will give you their all to be worthy of your high opinion of them.”
“They don’t want to do anything to break fellowship with you. They will seek to be all you want them to be. You have their heart; you have their will.”
All the above quotes came from this article

“He’s a hedonist at heart. All those fasts and vigils and stakes and crosses are only a façade. Or only like foam on the seashore. Out at sea out in HIS sea, there is pleasure, and more pleasure. He makes no secret of it; “at his right hand are pleasures forever more." Screw tape talking with wormwood from Screwtape letters by C. S. Lewis (Ch 22 Pg 118)